Sunday, February 20, 2011

"The Eagle" will s*** all over your face and then put you to sleep: C-

Well, I think the title of this entry sums it up pretty well. "The Eagle" was possibly one of the most boring movies I have ever seen.

The story follows Marcus Aquila (Channing Tatum) as he seeks to redeem his family's honor by tracking down the lost Eagle of the Ninth Legion, which was led by his father and massacred by the painted Seal People. After taking in a Brigante slave named Esca (Jamie Bell), who knows the language and the land, the two men set out to find the Eagle.

Sounds like a decent premise, in my opinion. The problem didn't lie with the story, but with the horrendous choice of casting Channing Tatum. (Yes, the dude from "Step Up" and "She's The Man.") If you were to choose an actor to play a Roman commander out for vengeance, wouldn't you choose someone with a reputable history of being a badass? I get that his "look" gives him an advantage in landing such roles, but he's a terrible actor! Next to Sam Worthington (a.k.a. Stoneface McGee), he's probably one of the worst.

Just because Channing Tatum works out a lot and has an abnormally strong jawline, it doesn't mean that I'll believe him as a Roman commander. Apparently, the Seal People weren't very scared of him.

That scar on his chin is a result of excessive ball-gag use.

Jamie Bell is appropriately chosen for the role of Esca. It seems that Jamie Bell has the unique ability to make the awful movies he stars in a little bit more watchable. Hello, did anyone else see "Jumper?"

The location they used to shoot this movie was absolutely beautiful. The cinematography was decent, and the costumes seemed pretty legit to the period. In truth, this movie could have been successful.

I started to fall in and out of sleep towards the last forty-five minutes of the movie. Napping is never a good sign, my friends. Pass on seeing this one - you can always nap at home for free.


  1. I'm not surprised, this did look truly terrible...
    I will avoid it, for ever.

    Also, I saw Jumper and I really wish I hadn't, I had just about forgotten how bad it was until reading your review...

    Great review, very amusing and well written!

  2. I was going to waste money on this. But you made it pretty clear. This film won't get a dime from me.

  3. Haha! I like your nickname for Worthington and Tatum is completely OVERrated, relying solely on his good looks.

    Your scathing review makes me not want to see this film. I was already harboring skepticism but now I'm just completely disinterested in seeing it. Thanks for saving me $10!

  4. This sounds similar to the dreary Centurion...and that was fairly forgettable.


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