7 Things "Indiana Jones" Taught Me

1. Antiquities from Biblical times will kill you.
Don't mess with God. Or, at least, his stuff. The Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail are tools of death. I think this is why I developed an aversion to all things Biblical at an early age.


2. Blondes have more fun, but brunettes kick ass.
Everyone knows that Marion is by the far the superior Indy girl. She punches Indy in the face, downs shots like a sailor, and looks damn good in chiffon. It's complete torture watching Willie Scott trying to outrun the flooded mines in that ridiculous Jasmine-esque onesie. And Dr. Elsa Schneider is hot, undoubtedly, but also a Nazi. So, that leaves Marion Ravenwood, every man's man's dream girl.

3. Indian cuisine is truly disgusting.
It was only later in life that I discovered that Indian food relies heavily on curry powder and saffron. I figured that chilled monkey brains and eyeball soup were always on the menu. The dinner scene from "Temple of Doom" definitely scarred me for life. Still to this day, I have never eaten Indian food.

4. All Asian clubs have lazy susans.
When Indy brings the remains of Nurhachi to Lao Che in exchange for a chunky diamond, he puts it on that rotating thingy-ma-jig. Oh, right, it's called a 'lazy susan.' I've repeatedly been disappointed when I go to an Asian restaurant and they aren't equipped with these brilliant things.

5. It's completely okay for a child to drive (if he/she can reach the pedals).
Short Round really got me into trouble. I used to sit on my dad's lap and take the Buick into the gated apartment community, which probably would be considered child abuse by now. I didn't have the block tied to my foot, but I certainly thought I was a badass.

6. A leather whip can get you out of a jam.
I used to pretend that my neon yellow jump rope was my whip. Sadly, the damn thing never held my weight. I still don't fully believe that Indy's leather whip was as useful as he made it look. Whips are for the circus and the bedroom, I think that's about it.

7. Brown oxfords will last you a lifetime.
Ok, mine weren't brown, but I seriously thought I could run a 5k in those things. With the amount of running, sprinting, jogging, climbing, and spelunking that Indy does, it's nearly impossible to imagine that he did all that in those ruddy lace-ups. What were the soles made out of, anyway?