Oh, you poor little thing. Hollywood is a tough place for a young girl, isn't it? All of the millions of dollars you've made in the past 3 years will never make up for the hassle of being famous, will it? I know you'd rather be behind the counter of Amoeba Music discussing indie-rock and the failures of democracy with your fellow hipsters. But you chose the art of acting instead, in which case, you've failed miserably. Thank goodness you've got R-Pats to back you up. Or don't you? You two are together, right?
Let's get to the list, shall we?
- Like Zoolander, you've got yourself a "signature" look. Those droopy eyes, the half-gaped mouth and razor thin lips, the blank stare...it all works so well for you, doesn't it? It's too bad that most people prefer Blue Steel to your "I have no idea what I'm doing".
- How the hell did you land the roll of Joan Jett? Oh, that's right. You stopped by your local Hot Topic and decked yourself out in patent leather and black-glitter eye liner. That works every time Cameron Diaz wants a role, too.
- What's up with your shivering? Are you cold? Do you need a Snuggie?
- Your 'quirkiness' is so pretentious. Seriously. So, you hate the paparazzi and all the bells and whistles that come with being a famous Hollywood star. Maybe you should've thought about that before you decided to team up with Jodie Foster. Do you even know who she is? That's Detective Sterling, dear girl, and she is solid gold.
- Would it kill you to ditch the dark eyeliner and long face? Does the inability to smile run in your gene pool?
- I'm pretty sure you never act. I'm completely convinced that, like Jim Carrey, you are simply yourself. But - unlike Jim Carrey - you have no personality, so I'd rather watch the inside of my dryer on the gentle cycle.
You remind me of that raised little corner of my fingernail that continues to snag against my alternative-down comforter. Until I get rid of it, it will continue to annoy me. So, I solemnly swear, from hereafter, that you shall forever be in my heart as The Worst Actress of My Generation.